it's been a minute

It's been a minute since I came over here to pour out my feelings! We are 7 days into 2011..Thank God I am still here. I am having the best of times, the worst of times. I finished school, have 2 master's now, and still no money in the bank...twisted right...educated but cant get a job. Well I shouldnt say that, I have a job, just hasnt started yet and thus I am broke. I am still in love with an ex, and feel some kind of way about that, not sure why I can't let that fully go, maybe because I know he aint fully gone...guess i am still waiting on a face to face to make it all sink in if its supposed to sink in. So i said to myself that 2011 will be a better year, a year where i will begin to get myself fiscally fit, as well as physically fit. There have been a few years here where i placed myself last on my own priority list.

With that being said, I am in the middle of an interesting debate on the phone with a guy who I assume is trying to be my new guy, but he just made the a very bad call, and has clearly messed up any chance of being my man...please believe me when i say this, I am not a GOLD DIGGER, if i were I wouldn't be prospecting near him...but he is one of these men who is in the mindset that everything is 50/50 and a chick like me wont make it to marriage with a man who aint generous, a man who won't sacrifice for me...I am not saying pay my bills, house note etc, but you can help a sister out. I want the comfort of knowing my man will take care of me cause I am working just as hard to fulfill his needs as well. My ex spoiled me, and I may be doomed to perpetual singlehood, cause if they not coming with at least that, (and this is not comparison, but once you know how you supposed to be treated and you run up on a real man that handles his business) you will not settle for less than you deserve. So yes, you will pay for our dates, yes you will buy me gifts, yes you will treat melike a queen, you will send flowers, you will open doors, you will act like a man and king you are supposed to be, especially if you want the woman and queen I am to be by your side. Is it really too much to ask that you be a provider without feeling like someone is trying to break your pockets. I dont care if you use discounts, coupons and ball on a budget, as long as I can look at you and know you taking care of me. And we not speaking of the endless things That I as a woman do for you...outside of the obvious sex, I provide friendship, companionship, a sounding board, keep the house and home good, and always have your back, right or wrong. I am the type of woman you are proud to call yours, I am educated, good personality, sexy, and I have credentials....plus no kids or drama. I have your back and can be your comfort from a long hard day. I am that chick you dont have to make excuses for and proud to take around your family and your momma.

so feeding me is a hassle. paying a bill for me is a hassle. you think by helping me I am using you. Man please, get a life, cause if you stay on that selfish Negro shit, you aint gonna never have a wife....

okay...done venting for now.... Like i said it's been a minute and I see I need to come write more often...this life I am living I am determined to be happy, whether its with someone or all by myself!

just wanted to share

There’s a beauty that lives so deep inside each of us.
There’s a fickle eye that doesn’t believe anything it sees.
There’s a benefit in love that erases all doubt and believes good intentions.
There’s an ear that isn’t free enough to give the honest man the benefit of the doubt cluttered by lies not-mentioned.
Since when is creativity subject to criticism?
When is honesty subject to a jury of fears who wouldn’t believe rain if it fell, or sun if it shined?
Sometimes a flower grows when no ones watching.
Sometimes a bird sings and no one hears.
There’s a meadow no one runs on and a cloud no one names.
And what would the sky be with out the sun?
What would the earth be with out its rose?
They’d still be the sky and the Earth.
So perhaps there is a peace in becoming.
Perhaps the meaning is in the experience and not the sight.
Maybe a flower grows because it suffocates under ground.
Whether or not she is always noticed, beauty must become.
She doesn’t look for an eye.
She doesn’t listen for a voice.
She just becomes,
For Freedom Not For Beauty
-Chrisette Michele

never let a day go by....

well, when i began this blog, i had all intentions on making this blog a place for me to relax, relate and release...I need to be able to talk, write and express freely what may be on my mind, and All I can say is this has been a week....

I was so excited, I was back in Knoxville, in summer school, horse tending and house sitting, and one of my best friends was visiting just to visit and spend time with me. I get lonely up here in TN, not that I have not made great new friends, but I do miss my family, and friends and I just was excited to have a guest. My friend David had come the week before and Jamie was here this past week, so I was happy to just see people from back home.

Regardless, in all my excitement, I got a terrible blow of news, one of my favorite cousins lost her husband. Now I love all my family, but my cousin took particular time with me growing up, and I can actually say alot of what and who I am is due to her always telling me I could be a SMART, GOOD girl, and go to college, and pledge a sorority, etc. She loved me so much so that I was even in her Wedding (the first of many weddings I have been in) and I was so excited at age 17 to be in a wedding, get to wear makeup (mom was not a mom to allow makeup) so I remember dressing up in my Fuschia dress, and gloves and celebrating in their joy. Since then, they have both provided a great example of love, and family for me to one day aspire to! So it was with a heavy heart when i heard the news. My heart literally broke to think about living life without someone you thought you would live out your life with. This same week I was on my way to celebrate the wedding of a great friend from college to his girlfriend of many years...and sadly, I had to miss their joyous day to say my final farewell to a loving cousin.

Over the past few years I have had the misfortune of losing many people close to me. I lost my grandmother, my uncle, one of my dear sweet college friends and sorority sisters as well as my first love in a motorcycle accident. Several years ago I lost a dear sweet childhood friend, and each time I go home I am reminded of how sweet he was to me when I first moved to the neighborhood. I attended a different school, so my only connection to many of the kids were through my neighborhood friends, and he always had a bright smile, and kind word for me. My first love, my god, not a day goes by that I don't think of him, and just truly miss his friendship. My sorority sister, I miss the fun we had, the laughs we shared. My grandmother and uncle, I miss the fact that they will not be around for many more years to see me become the woman they helped raise and guide over the years. It's selfish to think they will not be at my wedding, or see the birth of my children and as much I know in my heart they are still with me, and looking down on me, I wish they were here.

It just makes me so very aware that tomorrow is not promised and you can't wait to tell the people you love that you love them, and spend time with your friends when you have the moments. We find ourselves caught up in so many things, arguing about petty issues, not forgiving each other over minor fights, and we lose the time we have, which we can never get back.

It's funny I told my friend while she was visiting, I could never divorce her....no matter how much we disagree, how much we may fight, and how much we grow, she is my family and I love her, thus I can't get rid of her. (and believe me, we do fight, but it's never a moment that has gone by that I don't love her, even in the fights). Friendships are like marriages, and over the years, all the people that come into your life impact you in amazing ways. You are never promised a life with any of them forever, but while you have them, love them.

College Broke, but not poor

OKAY, just so everyone knows this, my homeboy David came up this weekend to Knoxvegas. Clearly I was still ill, but i tried to Woman up and go out, only to end up asleep on a couch at a cookout! Cold meds are no joke. Feed me (full belly) and a comfy couch and its a wrap. But the funniest thing this weekend is that he has coined a new phase and I will now adopt it until graduation and the job! I am College Broke, lol but not poor!!!! College Broke is not having money due to the fact you are a college student! Poor is not having nothing....while in my book it sometimes feels the same, I have earning potential, so COLLEGE BROKE it is, lol!

Going to get back in bed now and watch some of this basketball series...WISHING NFL WOULD HURRY BACK! I can see now I would be a Football wife, not a Basketball wife, lol! Who am i kidding, I would be a Hockey wife, soccer wife, B-ball wife and a football wife. Heck, i would be a Cricket wife, lol!

Back in KNOXVEGAS

CAN YOU SAY UGHHHH.... that's how I feel being back in Knoxvegas. Not only was I in heaven in the Carolina's, I also was not sick....yea, I said it, SICK. I suffered yesterday all day with a sore throat, so after talking to Mom via the phone, she convinced a very stubborn 30 year old to go to the doctor! So I suffered through the night, going between chills and fever and tossed and turned, and at 8 am called to get a 10 am appointment. I get to the student clinic, get my temperature and I am running a low grade fever (already figured that) and I was at 99.8 and thats with tylenol! I looked in the mirror myself, so I knew my throat was nasty, but its always funny seeing the reaction from the MD. She sent me for a little blood work just to make sure I didn't have Mono....I knew I didn't have MONO, no kissing on my end for like 2 years now! Anyway, unless my two little munchins gave me something, I knew I was okay on that! But I am achy, and can't sleep, cant breath and miserable. Got my prescription and have been trying to call it a day!

Well I figured out every-time i go home, or leave this place, something breaks. I left my home to go house sit back in december, came back and my washer outlet had frozen and I had a flooded floor. This time I left, came back, and the fridge is on the fritz...its cool, but not cold, and the popsicles i was looking forward to eating for my sore throat had all melted...Bummer....

So it will be tomorrow before I get my fridge looked at apparently. So far my stuff is still frozen, but the stuff like popsicles and bread are soft. I guess i will take my sick butt out when the sun goes down and buy some ice and put it in a cooler and hope that nothing spoils!

Good news is My financial aid is finally showing, bad news is, I am still BROKE! I have to seriously budget, budget budget. But classes are paid for and i need to diet anyway, so maybe I will go on a cereal, soup and salad diet for the summer cause that about all a chick can afford! I need to lose weight. I am also going to find somewhere to go all day so I wont have to run my air all day!

TO all my natural hair friends, don't fret, I will start doing my hair postings. I am so blessed to be able to help other natural sisters. My sister in-law and I were at Jim and Nick's Bar-B-Que when we were approached by one of the hostesses. She was so cute, so sweet...anyways, she got our info because her roommate was also natural and needed help! I wrote my info down, then passed the notepad to my sis-in-law who laughed saying basically, she was not wanting her advice. (SN) the sis-in law is anti-hair, in fact think from here on out she will be known as the ANTI-HAIR chick, cause she is natural but doesn't do much with hers. Me on the other hand, I am a avid hair fanatic, and always reading hair blogs, looking at products etc. I have recently been doing twists and twist-outs and will post pics.

My (3 weeks) in Charlotte

Okay, so I have been in Charlotte for an extended vacation! I definitely needed the break. It is so good to be around your family and wake up to little voices early in the morning. Eric and Jaya truly are my joy! I never thought it would be so easy just to fall in love with little people, but they come into the world and you just love them automatically. Their little personalities are so different and its so funny how each evening I play 20 questions while we sit and eat dinner. Eric and Jaya both have a million questions that range from life/living and dying, to angels in heaven, to race, to lungs, tissue and cells. Smart kids. Jaya is my challenge, she is very bright, but if she suspects she is learning or you are trying to teach her, she shuts it down. Eric on the other hand is very cooperative and will just do his work!

So after school work is done, we can usually chill! I am at the house all day enjoying the amenities. Cable TV (I MISS YOU FRIEND AND AS SOON AS I GRADUATE, and GET A JOB, I will be back). I enjoy having a quiet day until everyone gets home, then we are all fighting for positions on the floor, couch and kitchen. Big Eric, my big brother, is so happy I am here, and never misses the opportunity to tell me that Charlotte is where I should make my next move. Trina is also happy to have a friend in town, I hang out with her more than Eric, and even though she won't admit it, I think they are going to miss me when I head back to school. What a blessing to have a little time to come down and be with them.

The highlight of my trip has been our lovely soccer games! The kids are awesome, and I am putting soccer moms to shame and truly a SOCCER AUNTIE!!!!

WHY RED CLAY

I guess this should have been on the initial post! Well deep down in my soul I am a country girl, and anyone from Georgia knows about red clay. It is the earth in which I ran barefoot through many days of my childhood. And any good country kid knows that is is almost impossible to get the stain from good ol red clay out of your clothes. Almost as hard as it is to take the country out of a woman. The older I get, the more I appreciate growing up the way I did, peaceful summers, simple life, no traffic, knowing your neighbors, all the good stuff that others just dont always understand. I think of Gone with the Wind, everytime things got difficult for scarlett, she ran back to Terra, her home. Well I can't always run home, but Home is always with me! My accent, my funny way of saying certain things, my calm demeanor, my laid back attitude, the love of the sun and grass in between my toes. It's an attitude that country girls have. The manners you have growing up with your momma, your aunties, your grandmamma, and every other woman who knew you or your people....oh yeah, its important for someone to know who your people are :0) First thing someone will ask you, Who are your people! Well thats the red clay mentality.